If I had you (February Challenge)

[annabirmingham]

Summary - Oneshot from the Four-Two Offense universe. A few thoughts from evil!Ennis :)

Modern day AU/AU. Ennis and Jack met on the varsity volleyball team at high school. It was hate at first sight, or so it may seem...

Warnings - none
Length - 450 words




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If I had you, life would be much easier although it still wouldn’t make sense. Maybe all these weird feelings would just go away if I got it out of my system. I can’t stand the way you make me feel and I kind of hate you for it.

If I had you, maybe I wouldn’t feel the need to watch you all the time. I find myself looking out for you in the hallways between classes, in the cafeteria, before and during practice. It makes me crazy that I want to touch you so damn bad. I sometimes worry that I won’t be able to stop myself. That day when Coach made us have the one on one, I nearly didn’t.

If I had you, then maybe I could actually take a proper shower after practice, rather than racing through getting washed as I’m too scared to be naked in the same room as you. I can’t control the way that my body reacts when you get within ten feet. I sometimes can’t stand to see you, but I also can’t stand to stay away.

If I had you, then maybe I wouldn’t feel the need to do the things that I do. I wouldn’t have stolen what I did from your locker. I wouldn’t have hidden it in my bed and jacked off to it a million times, my face buried in its soft fabric, inhaling your scent, thinking all those things I shouldn’t think.

If I had you, perhaps I could say something nice once in a while and you would smile at me the way you smile at your friends. When I open my mouth I know I say hurtful things. I know you despise me. I like to call it self preservation, but I’m not really preserving anything. Stupid, huh.

If I had you, kissing wouldn’t be such a chore. I picture your face when I’m with her and I imagine what you would feel like, taste like. I try to ignore the feelings, but it gets worse when I close my eyes. I know I’ll have to walk away from her soon as it’s seriously messing with my brain.

This whole situation is driving me mad. I don’t know what to do about it and it’s eating me up inside. I know I take it out on you, but then again, you are the one causing it. I want you, but I don’t want to want you. I wonder if there’s any chance that you are feeling the same way. How would I even ask you that? I just know that things would be different, I would be different, if you were mine.

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Comments

secret loves

[joetheone.livejournal.com]

The stress of loving from afar and not knowing if it is going to ever materialize. Being gay is so difficult because approaching the unaproachable can be devastating when you are rejected or worse. I know it is hard for straight men to approach a girl they truly love or a women to approach a man. But, when rejected not much comes of it except maybe hurt feelings. When a gay man or teenager approaches it he can be outed and really belittled to the point of no return. Look at child hood suicide and tell me I'm wrong. I know it is hard to prove but well, what parent is truly going to tell everyone the reason their son or daughter killed themselves was because of being gay. Most will cover it up. Joe

Re: secret loves

[annabirmingham.livejournal.com]

Joe, your words really struck a chord with me. It's all so true. I really feel for all those gay teenagers out there who are struggling to come to terms with their sexuality, feeling so lost and alone. I've recently had a son, and if he turns out to be gay then I desperately hope he doesn't have a tough time with it. I know I'll be proud of him, whoever he decides to love - and I hope he grows up believing that.
Anna x